Army Mandatory Divorce: Cut Whiny Soldiers & Deadweight Dependents

The Duffel Blog: A Satire Website Pokes Some Fun


The Duffel Blog, known for its outrageous articles, challenged some readers’ sense of humor recently by using military divorce to make witty suggestions for budget cuts.

Their article announced an implementation of an Army mandatory divorce policy and that the Army would force all married personnel to either divorce or separate from service.

They listed numerous justifications to support dissolution of marriages, including references to wasteful government spending on military spouse programs.

High-ranking officials were quoted to give justification for the mandatory divorce order. They explained the need to shed the unnecessary dependency burden from the budget. Neither the service member nor the military spouse was spared from the absurd attacks:

“What we’re seeing is an awful lot of dependents in the Army community, who – let’s be honest – contribute nothing to military readiness,” said Army Secretary John McHugh to reporters. “They distract our married soldiers from putting the mission first, and they suck up a huge amount of resources.”

“[This mandatory divorce policy] is more than I could have ever hoped for. Finally, we can put our soldiers wherever we need them without having to worry about their do-nothing families causing problems for us,” said one USAREUR command sergeant major, who had previously called for the ending of all command-sponsored overseas tours. “Seriously, I can’t tell you how many times I had some whiny soldier ask to leave the field or return early from a deployment because their wife had another baby, or…”

Only one issue was forgotten: There was no mention of the impact of the Uniformed Service Former Spouse Protection Act (USFSPA). No mention of how forcing divorce would permit state courts to divide the service members’ military retirement pay with the former spouse. No joking or comedy on this issue. They should have at least alluded to the greedy military spouses who would jump for joy if the Army ever implemented such a policy.

Many readers unfamiliar with the purpose of the blog appeared to take the Internet article seriously. At my last check, more than 200 readers had vented emotional comments.

If you like humor, click here to read the full story.

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